Nonviolence Is Key to Communication
HiddenBlue: This blog explores how violence, both physical and psychological, often becomes an effective communication tool, despite its harmful consequences. It connects with the modern internet phenomenon of “only destroying without rebuilding“, where people frequently tear down ideas or individuals online without offering constructive alternatives.
original Chinese article: https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/t8Rr5RrJDNKOSpsdYrzajA
The following is originally translated by HiddenBlue. (The original author is Caoguo)
“Nonviolence Is Key to Communication”
Anger Drains Energy, But Relying on It Is Worse
I’ve always considered myself someone who values reason, and I’ve even pursued a career where I not only have to be reasonable but also teach others to be the same. As a result, I often find myself in situations where reason seems utterly useless. If I were never reasonable, this wouldn’t bother me. If most people were reasonable, I wouldn’t feel so anxious. Last year, I saw a news report about a security guard stabbing a food delivery worker to death. My first reaction was: someone is being unreasonable. This summer, I saw news about a bank president killing his superior and a woman in a Range Rover assaulting someone for not yielding. I realized that unreasonable people come from all walks of life, regardless of gender or class. More recently, I’ve been reading news about the back-and-forth rocket attacks between Israel and Iran-backed forces, along with various commentary driven by preconceived biases, and I realized there are barely any people left in the world who care about being reasonable. Even I, at times, don’t feel like being reasonable.
Gradually, I’ve come to realize that getting angry doesn’t solve problems—it only creates new ones. However, by creating new problems, there’s a chance the other party might change their attitude, if only out of fear that things might escalate further. Whether it gets better or worse is another matter, but the turning point often comes from this. There’s a saying: “When you lose it, the world becomes quiet.” But every time I lose my temper, I feel completely drained—not only mentally but also physically, with noticeable symptoms like a sore throat, headache, and chest tightness. So, I always remind myself to stay calm and not get angry, no matter the situation. Does it work? If it did, I wouldn’t be writing this post.
A few years ago, there was a popular book called Nonviolent Communication. While I admire the author, I can’t help but feel disheartened. From my personal experience and what I’ve witnessed, violence is often the most effective way of communicating. From warring countries exchanging missiles to two ordinary people hurling insults, from physical altercations to online keyboard warriors—violence is everywhere in our communication. And, sadly, violence often yields immediate results. Forget about grand narratives of one country defeating another. Just look at everyday examples: when a classroom of students is noisy, a teacher yells, and they quiet down—that yell is a form of violence. Or when a child won’t stop misbehaving, and a parent shouts or even threatens to hit them (many parents in the past would resort to physical punishment)—these are all violent forms of communication, yet they seem to work (at least on the surface). In romantic relationships or marriages, cold wars or full-blown fights are common forms of violent communication.
In today’s increasingly law-abiding society, it’s rare for adults to resort to direct physical violence. Instead, they’re more likely to use money or power to exert violence. Many netizens believe that “capital” is the most evil force in the world, capable of unleashing violence without question. From my experience, I’m more fearful of “power,” which is the most dangerous form of violence. I’ve seen people, even with small amounts of power, wantonly unleash violence on those with lower status—making work difficult, insulting their character, and manipulating them psychologically (often referred to as “PUA”). What terrifies me the most is that this form of violent communication is highly effective for those under their control. They become terrified, and for the person in power, this method works.
As adults, it’s tragic that we only talk about interests and not reason. What’s even more tragic is that even when you want to be reasonable, there’s no place for it. Gradually, you start to lose faith in reason, in others, and even in yourself. As a result, many people come to embrace Social Darwinism—talking about the “dark forest” and saying things like “truth is only within the range of cannons” .
I might be a bit of an oddball. Although I live within the “range of cannons”—whether I get hit depends entirely on the mood of the one firing—I refuse to believe the world is just a “dark forest.” Because I’ve noticed that those who constantly talk about the “law of the jungle” are usually the “weak prey”—only with varying degrees of weakness. It’s like Ah Q, who bullied a nun , but how many people bullied Ah Q? In The True Story of Ah Q, Master Zhao could swagger around the village, but in the end, his home was ransacked as well .
People raised in an environment of “violent communication” often only know how to communicate violently, especially with those they feel they can dominate. On the flip side, if someone communicates with you violently, it’s likely because they’ve been subjected to violence elsewhere.
If I reflect on myself: I’ve inflicted violence on others, and I’ve also suffered from the violence of others. The “effectiveness” of violence is like a nightmare—it lingers and is impossible to shake off.
Terms explained: